What does it mean to you to be truly confident?
When I ask this of myself, I know what it means...
Self-confidence is the willingness to take steps towards goals that you value, even if you're scared, anxious, and unsure about it and the outcome is unknown.
And what it doesn’t…
Self-confidence is not arrogance or narcissism, nor is it being the one who speaks the loudest or dominates everything and everyone. It’s about being firmly rooted in who you really are.
>> You see, for so much of my life I struggled with my self-confidence. <<
It affected every area of my life from my body image, to my career and my relationships. It turned me into a people-pleasing and over-giving doormat of a partner and friend, who was always struggling financially. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t so I could be accepted, liked, and loved.
My low point came when my marriage fell apart. I felt lost and confused, and my inner talk was brutal. I was embarrassed to be a grown woman in her 40’s with no idea what she wanted or how she had gotten to where she was. I kept it all inside of me for so long - putting on a happy face while on the inside - I was so NOT happy.
Through this dark time, I had no energy and no patience. I was angry and bitter, resentful of others that seemed to have their lives together. I looked around my entire life with guilt, shame, and so much disappointment. All those years that I did everything for everyone and nothing for myself… I was waiting for others to notice me, to value me.
Again, I asked myself, how did I get here?
Looking back, I know it began in my childhood. I developed limiting beliefs around who I was, what I could do and couldn’t do. Beliefs around my worth, my body, how to fit in and how I got love were all based on what my parents or other adult figures would say or do. I traced back in my life where these feelings of self-doubt and I’m-not-good-enough beliefs came from, and I realized these negative thoughts showed up in every area of my life…
- In the MIRROR
For over 40 years I wasn’t even aware of these beliefs. Yet these beliefs fueled my inner voice, which told me…
I wasn’t “enough”.
>> That voice would judge and criticize how I looked and what I did. <<
“You’re such a big girl. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough.”
“You’re not good enough.”
Ugh… It was brutal.
I was scared I was running out of time to do something really amazing with my life - something important, fulfilling, and inspiring. It took some time, but through some deep inner work, I learned to feed myself positive, healing thoughts that supported me in building confidence and self-esteem, as well as peace and inner joy.
So, you may be thinking - great it all worked out but… How did you do it? How did you change? How do you actually go about doing the “deep inner work” really?
I’ve identified a specific process FOR change that works for me, and my clients. It can be applied to any area of life that you would like to address. Here’s how it works:
First, Gain Awareness (Grandmother of Change) This is about getting curious about what is, becoming a detective in your own life - the curious observer - collecting information, without judgment or criticism; taking stock of what is so you can decide what you want to change.
Acceptance (Mother of Change) - Accept what is. You can’t change anything until you first focus on it, and it’s hard to focus on something you don’t accept. Accepting what is, doesn’t mean you’re complacent and just stop trying to change or better yourself. You can absolutely accept things as they are while ALSO wanting them to be different.
The truth is, you don’t have to like or enjoy or even understand something to accept it. I’m talking about an energetic shift where you stop resisting and fighting against the things you want to change. So, next time you’re beating yourself up about something you’ve done and ask yourself, “What do I want to experience instead?”, then you can fight FOR what you want, feeling hopeful and optimistic.
And, this softening towards yourself opens the gates to…
Forgiveness (Father of Change) - Let it go. You are not your past mistakes or choices. Forgive yourself, forgive others and move on. Letting go of anger, resentment, jealousy, etc. WILL create space for you to welcome in the NEW you…with fresh energy.
Trust (and create trust) in yourself (Foundation of confidence) Start collecting evidence of your ability to do what you say you want to do. By showing up daily for yourself, taking steps daily towards what you desire - you’ll start to believe in yourself, trusting that you’ll continue because you can look back on the things you’ve just done.
And this ties in perfectly with the DRIVER OF THE BUS…
MASSIVE ACTION - Because it’s not enough to know or be aware of something that needs to shift/change in your life; nor is it enough to just accept it, or forgive it…You must go after it by taking massive action! Layout a plan with manageable tasks and micro goals, then work down the list… Just keep going, marking off the completed tasks as you go.
That is my “process for change” that I’ve used time and time again.
By taking the time to really focus on me, I was able to truly see myself and to see what others saw in me that I couldn't see before. Slowly I tried new things, set small goals for myself, and achieved them building up the trust in myself I lacked so much.
Fast forward to now, at age 54, I’ve learned to accept and trust myself. I live a life I love, in a body I adore. I am moving through my life feeling worthy and deserving of all that I desire - and I’m more confident than ever. All of the areas in my life that I struggled with boiled down to a lack of self-confidence. That’s why I’m here sharing this information with you - because I know how life-changing it can be to become truly confident in yourself.
>> When you feel confident, you feel amazing. <<